We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
