I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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