I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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