The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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