i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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