My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
