i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
