I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
