Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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