i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
