youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
