Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
