I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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