dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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