My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
