I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize