Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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