I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize