I wish my penis had an off switch
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize