After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There's always time for handjobs
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
