Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
