So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
