My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Randomize
