from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
