and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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