): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
