What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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