I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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