hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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