The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
