Someone shit on the floor
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
