just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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