We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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