I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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