I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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