just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
