It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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