Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
