he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
