I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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