I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
