But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
