i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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