fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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