You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
