Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
