Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
