Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize