he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
