I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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