i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize