I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
