meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
