Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Drunk is a universal language darling
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize