I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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