You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
