Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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