LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
