I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It's just like the Real World with babies
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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