Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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