my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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