I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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