So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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