Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
